Sweet Sixteen

This has been a big week around here. Our youngest just turned 16. What a huge milestone for her! And for us. I'm not quite sure how it is that our baby is a very lovely young lady of sixteen.


I'm not sure how we are almost at the finish line of this journey called parenting when it seems that we only began yesterday. Of course we never stop being parents, but we do stop parenting. At least if we do it right. As the parents of two adults and two almost adults, we have had to redefine our roles as parents. It was quite an adjustment at first. I remember thinking with our first child, how do I stop parenting? Thankfully I have two amazing young adult children who helped me figure it out and let me know when I was stepping over the new line in our relationship. It's a strange thing that this relationship with our children is in almost constant flux.


I can still remember the feelings of holding our first daughter in my arms, the awe and wonder of realizing that I was a mother and that this beautiful bright eyed baby was my daughter! My DAUGHTER! I could hardly believe it the first time those words came out of my mouth. I remember the joy that jumped inside me when I said it the first time. It struck me as soon as she was born that she was a real person, not just a baby like other children, but an honest to goodness person with a personality all her own as soon as she emerged into this world!


I remember like it was the other day worrying, how in the world I could possibly love a second child as much as I loved our first, and yet the instant they put him in my arms I was flooded with love for him! This adorable, insatiable baby had captured another part of my heart that I didn't even know was there. How was it possible that there could be an equal amount of love for them both? How could one person possibly contain so much love? And yet, there it was, a complete love that neither took away from the love of my first born nor was it lessened by the immensity of my love for his older sister.


And yet, even after experiencing it, I found myself once again wondering with our third child, how will I possibly love another child as much as I do the first two? I experienced the miracle of that expanding love again when they placed that wonderful, exuberant boy in my arms. But somehow, again with our fourth, our baby, there I was wondering, can I possibly have enough love to love another child as much as the first three? And then there she was, a beautiful, joyful baby girl who proved that there is no limit to the expansion of love in a mother's heart. Each time I was awed by the miracle that is a parent's love.


Interestingly each of our children is so very unique and yet they all share some wonderful traits. They are all strong willed, I think they each came out of the womb with a very strong set of opinions! lol They are all curious, funny, compassionate, intelligent, generous people. I can't believe how unbelievably lucky I am to have been the one God chose to be their mother! What could I have possibly done to deserve such an honor? None of our children are perfect, thankfully because their mother certainly isn't! But they are amazing people and I not only love them, I truly enjoy them. I enjoy being their friend and nurturing that relationship as they grow. Which brings me back to the state of almost constant flux I mentioned before.


Whew! There is nothing more exasperating than trying to learn to parent a child at all the different stages of life! Any mom knows this. Just as you're getting used to answering the constant demands of an infant they turn around and become self sufficient toddlers who want to do everything on their own! No matter that everything they do comes with a huge mess, they want to do it themselves! And it doesn't get any easier as they grow. It seems that just as soon as you figure out one stage it comes to an end and a new one begins! lol And then suddenly, it seems in the blink of an eye, they are adults and now you have to learn how to let go of all you've spent the last couple of decades learning to do. But the joys so far outweigh the frustrations! Yes, they do. In the end it balances out, trust me. lol!


However, I have to say that I am facing this time with a startling melancholy. I get misty each time I see our "baby" come down stairs with her hair neatly groomed and the poise and style of an elegant young lady. Literally just a few weeks ago she just wanted to be a tomboy and couldn't care less about the rat's nest that was festering in the back of her hair! She didn't even have time to wash her face let alone put a touch of makeup on it as she does each day now. And though as I did with each of her siblings before her, I am bursting with pride at watching her blossom, I find myself fighting tears a lot too. I'm struggling to embrace this new phase of life.


Im addition to our youngest turning 16, our third child turned 17 and is a senior in high school. I'm not ready for it to be over. I don't really want this to be our last year homeschooling our youngest son. I know God will give me what I need to get through this, but just for today I am sad that I can almost see the finish line in the distance. I want the journey to last a little longer.
Recently we were discussing the fact that our homeschooling time was coming to an end and he said to me, "Well Mom, you could always adopt more kids and homeschool them." And as I said to him, it's not that I just want to keep homeschooling, it's that I want to keep homeschooling you guys! It's not that I just want to keep being a mom to children, it's that I want to keep my children a little longer.


Wow, this certainly didn't turn out to be the post it started out to be. Time, it's an interesting thing. I know God knows what He is doing, but no matter how many times I do it, I find that I just don't understand how it is that you spend every single day of your life with someone being such a huge part of your life and you being such an important part of their's and then, quite suddenly it seems, you're supposed to let go as they go off and make a new life that simply doesn't revolve around you anymore. I am sure that when this part of the journey ends God will supply me with the strength I need to move on to the next stage of life, but at this moment I wish I could just stop time for a little while and hold my babies close.


Be Blessed!

A Kaleidoscope

Funny how little choices can make one reflect on who they are.


I have been looking around trying to find a background for my blog, one that reflects me. One that lets you know, as soon as you arrive here, who I am.


And you know what I've found, a lot of backgrounds that I really like, and yet none that really stand out. Do I want bright pink? Red? Purple? Do I want tea cups and roses or polka dots and ribbon? Butterflies and hearts or Nascar?


I am blessed to be very eclectic. Almost an oxymoron. I am country and victorian, roses and sunflowers, teacups and rock star, all rolled into one. How can that be? I went through a journey in my life being unhappy at this lack of constant. Feeling like somehow I was flawed because everyone else had their style decided and I just couldn't seem to settle on one. It seems\ed to me that all around me people knew who they were, what they liked, they had one style and they embraced it and it defined them. But then I realized, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, like me, they just had to choose one thing and so they did and left it at that. Maybe we are all a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll all combined into one package. At least I know I am. And you know what? Finally I learned to love myself just like that. Finally I learned to embrace all the eccentricities that make me, well me.

I realized that it's okay for me to love red and still enjoy hot pink and purple too! It's okay for me to love country, rock, gospel, oldies. It's okay for me to acknowledge that I am complex and simple all at the same time. It's not just okay, it's really grand that I can be just as happy at a tea party as I can be at a Nascar race! It's wonderful that I love singing in the choir just as much as I love belting out some karaoke! So, for today I have chosen a background that I really like, hot pink and black with swirls and flurries, but tomorrow you might just find tea cups and roses, or you may just find a Nascar background, if I can find one. ;-) And you will find as you get to know me, that rather than my background defining me, you will learn that there is not one single thing that can define who I am or what my style is, I am like a kaleidoscope! Always changing, made up of many facets and colors and sometimes it depends on the angle that you're looking from. And that's not just okay, it's amazingly wonderful!!

Finally, I started to learn to love just who God created me to be. And I think that was one of the first steps to being, who I want to be.


Be blessed!

Happy New Year

Well, I have been contemplating this for quite awhile now. Fearful that I wouldn't keep it current, or that I wouldn't have anything of interest to say I kept putting it off and putting it off. But then I made my New Year's Resolution, to set up an account and begin this blog. Of course my other New Year's Resolution was quickly broken when I promised myself I would begin the blog on January 1st and didn't get it accomplished until after midnight which makes it technically January 2nd. In case you hadn't guessed it, my other resolution was to stop procrastinating. sigh. Does it count as procrastinating if I got it started before I went to bed on January 1st? I mean, although technically it will read that I began my blog on Jan. 2, 2009, it is still part of my January 1. Oh well, semantics really. I will allow myself the grace of counting it as accomplished. Yay me.

Actually my only true resolution is to make the most of this new year. There is a song that asks, "Are you who you want to be?" and most often my truthful answer is no, I am not yet who I want to be. This year I want to become who I want to be. It will truly be a work of heart as I seek to grow closer to God and become not only who I want to be, but more importantly, who He wants me to be.

So, I will close by wishing you all a Happy New Year and may 2009 be the year you are "who you want to be."

Blessings!