10 Years Ago

One of my favorite pictures of my mom and I celebrating her birthday. 

10 years ago I was enjoying a day at the fair with my family when I got a call that my mom was being taken to the hospital with some severe symptoms, I sat in a secluded space and had a little meltdown and then pulled myself together when they said she would be fine, no need to rush up to see her, they were going to put her in a room and get her situated and we should really wait until the next day to come see her. 

So, we asked them to please tell her we loved her and we would be up first thing in the morning to see her. We finished our day and went home exhausted to fall into bed. The phone rang around one in the morning with the news that my mom had passed away at 12:01 am. No! That can't be, they said she would be fine and we had plenty of time to get up there to see her. 

That was the bad news. The good news, I know where my mom is today because she put her trust in Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. My mom was a pro at showing unconditional love, I knew how much she loved me, and she knew how much I loved her. There was really nothing left unsaid between us. I had told her not only how much I loved her, but also that I was in awe of her bravery as a young woman who came across the country to start life over while alone and pregnant with me. I had told her I forgave her for her mistakes and asked her to forgive herself. 

The point of this post is not just to talk about how sad I am and how much I miss my mom, it's to remind us all to not take each other for granted. My mom was only 63 years old! Of course we thought we had more time! But we didn't. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us, so please don't take your loved ones for granted because you never know when you will be saying goodbye to someone for the last time. Tell those you love that you love them, often! And most of all, make time for those you really care about!

Be Blessed,
Colleen

The Problem With Lies

I have so many thoughts running through my head today. My mind is racing a million miles an hour. Last night I found out that two very dear friends of mine are being lied about. My son said to me, you shouldn't worry about it Mom, people won't believe it. I said that's the problem with lies, people will believe them. People you would never imagine would believe them, will.

These thoughts have been swirling through my head a lot lately anyway, after being lied about myself recently. Sadly it's not the first time that someone, unprovoked except by their own selfish motivations, has made up lies about me. I have been thinking a lot about the effects of lies. The hearts that get broken. The people that get hurt. The wreckage that can be left behind. The lies people have told about me hurt not only me, but my children, my family. The repercussions have cost us. We have lost friendships, we have had our finances impacted, we have had our entire lives upended by people and their lies. Sometimes it's a small impact, but often it's a huge ripple effect impact. When you lie about someone you have no idea how big that ripple will grow. How many lives you might affect.

After the lies there is the hurt when no one you thought would stand up for you, does. That is truly the worst of betrayal. That the people you care about, the people you expect will have your back, don't. The people who could make things right, won't. You wonder why they won't speak the truth that they know. You wonder why you aren't valuable enough to them for them to stand up for you. You feel lost, alone, worthless, when no one stands up for you. You wonder who you can trust. You wonder who really cares. It can all be very overwhelming.

And then you realize that people won't stand up because it will cost them. It will be hard. Most people, unfortunately, will choose the easy road. But the one thing you will learn, is who you can trust, and who you can't. Because in the end, it isn't about you at all, it's about the character, or lack there of, of the liars and the people who stand by and allow them to victimize others.

I would be remiss if I didn't add that in the end, in this most recent situation, two people did stand up for me. It didn't change anything in the situation with the other people, but it changed everything for me! Thank you to Pat and Roger for daring to have the character to stand up for me. God bless you both. Your actions mean more than you will ever know.

Blessings,
Colleen








I Will Never Forget The Day Our World Changed Forever

I can't help but remember on this, the 12th anniversary of 9/11, the way it felt that morning as I watched in horror as the events unfolded. 

I woke up early that morning and had just turned on the Today show, the first plane had just hit and they still didn't know what had happened. As they began to speculate and were talking about the previous attack on the towers with a truck in the parking garage, our ceiling fan suddenly let out a little burst of flame and I was distracted for a moment, I couldn't really comprehend what was happening. Were they talking about a past attack or something that had just happened? I tried to follow their conversation while dealing with the ceiling fan. We were all trying to figure out what had just happened. 

As the seriousness started to hit me, I sat down to pay closer attention. The anchors were still speculating about how this plane had hit the tower when suddenly I was watching in horror as a second plane flew into the shot and right into the second tower. I watched in disbelief, my mind trying to understand what it had just witnessed. Suddenly the entire tone changed. This was no accident, we were under attack! As more information came out, the horror began to sink in. 

As they reported about another plane down, missing planes, the fear in me began to grow. A plane was down in a field, a plane was missing, a plane hit the Pentagon, I was filled with dread and terror. When would it end? How much more destruction would there be? I felt like I was thrust into a suspense film, but it wasn't a movie, it was real life. These were not actors I was watching on my screen, these were real people, living real terror, real tragedy, real horror. I will never forget the sheer terror as I watched the tower fall, and the people try to outrun that horrible black, all engulfing cloud that chased them down. 

It was a grief and fear that threatened to overtake me. If not for my faith that God still sat on His throne in the midst of all this nightmare unfolding, it might have. I tore myself away from the news to take the kids to our homeschool park day. It had been decided that in the midst of all that was happening, we should still gather. The kids played, mostly unaware of the horror unfolding on the other side of our Country. But the moms conversations were filled with sadness, grief, disbelief. We all gathered in a circle and prayed for all those people 3,000 miles away who didn't have the option to take a break from the events of the day. We prayed for the loved ones who were left behind, the kids who had parents who would not be returning home that night, the spouses who would lay in empty beds that night, the responders who were witnessing carnage we couldn't even imagine, and wouldn't want to. We thanked God for our own loved ones who were safe and sound. 

We tried as best we could to retain a sense of normalcy for the sake of our children, but we all knew that our world had been forever changed. And we all knew that we would never, ever forget where we were when it happened. 

I think we all held our loved ones a little tighter in the days that followed. We worried and wondered what might happen next. Slowly we got back to life as usual. But my heart still hurts for those who weren't able to turn the news off and go back to life as usual because they were living smack in the middle of the nightmare. And so today as I remember the terror and disbelief I lived that day and the ones that followed, I can't help but think of, and pray for, those who live with the reality of that day every single day. There is no respite for then, No life as usual. I pray that as time has passed their hearts grieve less each passing year and ask God to continue to be close to them and bind up their wounds and heal their hearts. 

Whatever I write seems so inadequate, but somehow I felt that I needed to share this story that has been sitting so close to the surface today. 

Be Blessed,

Colleen

Trial and Tribulation Are a Promised Part of Life

 

 

 

 

Life is hard. God told us it would be. He said life would be tough, there would be tribulation and trials. Our hope is in His promise that He has overcome the world!

John 16:33 says this:
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”
 

Romans 5:3 says:
And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;

In Acts 14:22 this is what Paul did after having been stoned and left for dead, he got up and went about..
22 strengthening the souls of the disciples, encouraging them to continue in the faith, and saying, “Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God.”

So whatever you are going through, know that God has a purpose for it. This life will NOT be easy, it wasn't ever meant to be. But again, our hope is not in this world, but in God!!!

I struggle often with how difficult life is for some, while others seem to just breeze through it. But the reality is that whether we see it or not, we all have our cross to bear and our burdens we carry. Our hope has to be in God's promises that He is with us, that He will never leave us or forsake us, that He has overcome the difficulties of this world! Today, whatever trial you are facing, whatever burden you may be carrying, I hope you'll join my in giving those burdens to Him and trusting in His promise!

 

Be Blessed!

Colleen

Rest and Peace

Today, I am just looking for rest. I spent most of the day fighting with myself, so very tired and worn out. The battle raged inside me, one voice crying out, suck it up and get things done, the other quietly saying, rest. I mostly followed the quiet voice whispering, lay down and rest. Still tired, but I know it was the right thing to do. Even though laying down led to dozing off and missing time with a friend, my body is just plain weary, and so are my emotions. So, I am resting and seeking God's rest for the weary. The song comes to mind, I give you rest and peace, I give you joy and hope, lay all your burdens down, I give you rest. Perhaps if I practiced this more often I wouldn't find myself wrung out so often. Even after all these years, I am still learning to be gentle to myself and remember that I had a very major surgery just weeks ago and my body is still adjusting. I am human and my body requires rest to heal and perform. I have never been good at allowing myself time to rest. Time to love myself by giving myself permission to just rest. 

I hope today is a blessed day for you! 

Blessings,

Colleen

What Happens When You Trust and It Still Goes Wrong?

So, about two months ago I wrote about my surgery and about trusting God with the results. Well as I continued to heal, or not heal well as the case turned out to be. It turned out that I was right to be concerned with the results. The surgeon messed up and now I have to find another surgeon to try to fix the problem because my original surgeon won't acknowledge his mistake. He ignores my complaints of the complications of the surgery, which are not minor, and has discharged me even though I have not healed, even after two months, and even though two months later his mistake causes me to still need pain medication.

 

 

 

The good news is that for the most part I am handling this ok and have found another surgeon to meet with next week to see if he can fix things for me. I am still putting my trust in God to take care of this and to work it all out for my good, just as His word promises.

 

I am clinging these days to Romans 8:28 and believing Him to turn this around for my good. I do appreciate prayers though as I will most certainly require another surgery to fix the mistakes.

 

I will keep you posted on what He is doing through all of this so we can all share in praising Him through this trial. I pray you are also hanging onto Romans 8:28 whatever you might be facing today.

 

God Bless,

Colleen

The Stuff That Life is Made Of

Not much to report today. Betty spent most of the day sleeping. A hospice aide came in and gave her a nice bath and family was of course there attending and visiting. God graciously answered our prayers to get Betty through her bath and changing without nausea or pain. The aide was of course taken with Betty and told her she was glad she got assigned Betty as a client. Betty teased that we'll see how she feels after a couple of visits. The aide assured Betty she will still be happy. 

Betty's bedside table holds a few treasured trinkets and flowers along with her water.

She didn't really eat much of anything today, but Eric and Elena fed her a tiny bit of watermelon that she asked for and some ice chips. Elena reveled in taking care of her great grandma and was delighted at the fuss Betty made over the announcement that Elena had received honor roll again this semester. When she wasn't busy playing with her uncle, her video game, her dad or taking care of Betty, Elena was devoted to loving on Sadie and carrying her around. A very poignant and touching moment of the day was Elena standing on her daddy's feet as they maneuvered around the room and I thought back to Betty talking about dancing on her big brother's feet. I was so lost in the moment I didn't get a picture snapped, but it is forever etched in my mind. 

Mary's husband Brad lovingly putting a cold compress to Betty's forehead was another very tender moment between mother in law and son in law and the love between them was obvious. In the midst of paperwork, household chores and other such obligations, every eye and ear is always attuned to the slightest movement coming from Betty, and her loved ones eagerly attend to the need of the moment. Such loving devotion in action, a true tribute to the woman Betty is and the loving character of her family. 

Even though she was asleep much of the time, she asked us to keep talking while she dozed so we happily obliged. She didn't interject as much today as she usually does, but she did rouse here and there to join in the discussion before nodding back off again. 

She woke up for a little while this evening and we chatted some. Dana shared the newspaper article that Betty received in the mail from her friend in Atlantic, Iowa and Betty asked to see the included pic. It was an effort to open her eyes each time, but we did get the chance to see those lovely eyes of hers a few times. She shared with me that she is having a wonderful day because she is in the presence of the Lord. 

I got to spend some time sharing hugs, kisses, and I love yous, sharing some whispers of endearment and her whispering to me that I am "one of her girls" among other things, almost brought me to tears. She was all smiles when I told her that I had blogged last night and she insisted that she wanted to hear every word, so Dana printed it out and I read it to her. It was a little intimidating but her smiles and laughter told me she was pleased, as did the "beautiful" she whispered when I was done. Even though when I asked her if it was all right she gave me her little half smile and said, "It'll do." I also got to spend some time just holding her hand and quietly praying for her. When Kevin came to pick me up he got his hand holding time in too. :-) Dana laughed at the fact that Betty is allowed to hold my husband's hand "because she is Betty". What can I say, a Grand Dame such as Betty Derry has earned some liberties in life! Kevin and I prayed with Betty before we left and she was resting comfortably when we left for the evening. 

Sadie was especially out of sorts today but loved the attention she got from Mary and Elena.

Betty is managing on very little medication, and not having much pain at all. A little discomfort but that seems to mostly be due to being in bed and needing to adjust positions. Other than that, everyone is hanging in there and finding their rhythm and routine. Mary and Dana have fallen into a very natural split of duties, and work well together attending to Betty's every need. It is such a blessing to watch this lovely family care for and attend to their matriarch with such love and devotion to her and to each other. In this crazy, mixed up world we live in, the Derry family is a reminder of the stuff of which life is truly made. 

I want to remind us all today that tomorrow is promised to no one, so let's keep our eyes focused on the truth of what is important in life. Loving the Lord with all our heart and loving one another! Make time to love someone special today. 

Blessings,

Colleen