The Importance of Saying No

In dealing with some life issues a lot of talk has been had recently between my friends and myself about people feeling taken advantage of. People getting upset when asked for a favor. Here's the real problem many of us have. The inability to say no.

When we try to people please, and let's face it, most of us women do, we end up feeling resentful of the people we are trying to please. But the fact is, it isn't their fault. It's actually our fault for not saying no.

If someone asks something of me I have to evaluate whether or not I can accomodate that request and then make a decision to say yes or no. But many times we just say yes automatically without counting the cost of that yes. Do we have the time, energy or resources to give what we've said we will? If we say yes, and then find that it's a burden to us, we often get upset with the person who asked us. However, the problem doesn't lie with them. The problem isn't the question, it's the answer. How can we be angry at them for simply asking for something they needed? That's why we end up feeling guilty, because we are now angry at them, but deep down we know we shouldn't be. So, now we're feeling angry and guilty. 

And then comes the second problem, we don't just fess up and tell the person that we are sorry but we can't do what we promised. We want to deliver, we want to be a person of our word, so we sacrifice what we shouldn't to accomodate a promise that should never have been made in the first place. Again, leading us to resent the person who made the request.

But let's look at that person. What did they do wrong? They asked if you could do something for them. A simple request. You had the option of saying, "I'm sorry, I can't do that." And guess what? You don't even have to give a reason! You can if you'd like, but it's not required. What is important is that you learn to count the cost of your yes!

Proverb 31:16 says, 

I have often thought of that verse when choosing what I will and won't do with my time and energy. I must first consider the venture before I decide to take part in it. But all too often I just jump in and say yes to every field that comes along. Whatever we spend our time doing, is us sowing. We are sowing our time, talents, and treasure into whatever we are doing. And we will reap our harvest from what we are sowing. So, when we spend our valuable time, energy, and resources we must consder the cost of our activities. We must consider the cost of our commitments. Otherwise, the harvest we will reap may be resentment, frustration, and chaos.

We women often have trouble saying no because we don't want to hurt our friendships. But in saying yes when we shouldn't, we end up doing the very thing we are trying not to do, hurting our friendship. We are afraid our friends will get upset with us if we say no, but we end up upset with them because we said yes when we really needed to say no.


And then we come across another problem with saying yes when we should say no. We then often complain and grumble about it. I know I do. Yet Philippians 2:14-15 has this to say about grumbling while we are doing something...

When we are grumbling and complaining we are not glorifying or pleasing God. In fact we are doing exactly what He has told us not to do. And we are tarnishing His reputation in the process. I have to confess, this is an area I struggle in. I have had victory before, but it is so easy to slip right back into the habit. 


So, let us be a people who let our yes be yes, and our no be no, so that we glorify our Father in heaven and shine as a light in this dark world. And in so doing, we protect the friendships we value. 

Be Blessed, 
Colleen

 

The Problem With Lies

I have so many thoughts running through my head today. My mind is racing a million miles an hour. Last night I found out that two very dear friends of mine are being lied about. My son said to me, you shouldn't worry about it Mom, people won't believe it. I said that's the problem with lies, people will believe them. People you would never imagine would believe them, will.

These thoughts have been swirling through my head a lot lately anyway, after being lied about myself recently. Sadly it's not the first time that someone, unprovoked except by their own selfish motivations, has made up lies about me. I have been thinking a lot about the effects of lies. The hearts that get broken. The people that get hurt. The wreckage that can be left behind. The lies people have told about me hurt not only me, but my children, my family. The repercussions have cost us. We have lost friendships, we have had our finances impacted, we have had our entire lives upended by people and their lies. Sometimes it's a small impact, but often it's a huge ripple effect impact. When you lie about someone you have no idea how big that ripple will grow. How many lives you might affect.

After the lies there is the hurt when no one you thought would stand up for you, does. That is truly the worst of betrayal. That the people you care about, the people you expect will have your back, don't. The people who could make things right, won't. You wonder why they won't speak the truth that they know. You wonder why you aren't valuable enough to them for them to stand up for you. You feel lost, alone, worthless, when no one stands up for you. You wonder who you can trust. You wonder who really cares. It can all be very overwhelming.

And then you realize that people won't stand up because it will cost them. It will be hard. Most people, unfortunately, will choose the easy road. But the one thing you will learn, is who you can trust, and who you can't. Because in the end, it isn't about you at all, it's about the character, or lack there of, of the liars and the people who stand by and allow them to victimize others.

I would be remiss if I didn't add that in the end, in this most recent situation, two people did stand up for me. It didn't change anything in the situation with the other people, but it changed everything for me! Thank you to Pat and Roger for daring to have the character to stand up for me. God bless you both. Your actions mean more than you will ever know.

Blessings,
Colleen








Tribute Tuesday ~ Betty Derry

The idea for this Tribute Tuesday has been running around my mind for months now, however the task seemed overwhelming so I kept putting it off. Being the perfectionist that I am, I struggle to let go of my fear of imperfection and just put pen to paper, or type to blog as it were. However, as we find that time waits for no man, or blog, I must lay down my perfectionist tendencies and write this blog. 

The idea of Tribute Tuesday came about as I was thanking God for some of the amazing women He has placed in my life. These women I am speaking of are not family members, although at some point I may move on to the amazing family members as well. But for now, they are the women God brought into my life to inspire and teach me. 

I did have amazing women in my life already. My grandmother, my mother, my mother-in-law, they were amazing women who gave me so much in life. So much love, so much wisdom, and when each of them passed the void they left was heartbreaking. But the one thing they didn't give me, either because they were taken too soon, or for other reasons, was showing me how to live life after a certain age. That is where these women come in to the picture. 

God began to bring women into my life that were embracing life and making the most of their golden years. These women became my adopted grandmothers and mothers, although they didn't know it. They became my mentors. My inspiration. I had contemplated doing this series in the order they arrived in my life, however something has happened to change that. My very dear friend, adopted grandmother, mentor, heroine, Betty, has just received the news that she will be placed on hospice care tomorrow. Suddenly writing her tribute became urgent. Not because she doesn't know how I feel about her, she does. The one thing I have learned from losing too many loved ones too early is to let people know how much I love them. But because I wanted to share with others how special she is to me, and to pay proper tribute to her while she could still enjoy it. 

Betty and I

Betty has known my husband's family for many years. Her and her family attended the same church as my husband while he was growing up. She worked in the office, the preschool, volunteered at church, the PTA and more. When I met Betty it was shortly before she lost her beloved husband. My husband and I, along with our children, had begun to attend the church he went to as a child and Betty was still there with her husband. I won't go into details, but the time came for us to leave the church under very distressful circumstances and we lost contact with most of our church family. A few years later we were reunited with Betty and her daughters at a mutual friend's birthday celebration and found that the same had happened to them. We all shared our sorrow and stories and bonded. Another few years passed and Betty and I became friends on Facebook. I began to learn a lot more about Betty and she became one of the amazing ladies of my life story! 

After losing her husband, her church of more than 30 years, and many of their friends from that time period, she was not about to sit around and feel sorry for herself! Not Betty! She is a feisty, funny, Grand Dame with dashed dreams of stardom but on the same level of grandeur as her heroines, Elizabeth Taylor, Debbie Reynolds and Shirley Temple, whom she had dreamed of becoming best friends with when she moved to California as a young bride many years ago. I assure you, it was Shirley's loss that this never occurred! 

As a feisty octogenarian rivaling any of the famed Golden Girls, she began writing a blog about her life as a country gal turned city woman. Telling enthralling stories with style and humor about life in her small Iowa hometown. I often found myself on the edge of my seat completely engrossed in her stories about friends and family and a simpler life. Let me tell you, few can turn a phrase as well as my friend Betty! She began her blog with the goal of leaving a legacy for her family members, but she left so much more than that! And her story didn't end there. 

Betty has continued her volunteer work, continued to bowl regularly in a league until recently and kept in touch with many family and friends old and new. She is a celebrity of sorts among family and friends who delight in her stories and her company. She lights up a gathering like nobody's business! She has continued to keep family and friends up to date on the going's on of her hometown, visiting for reunions and writing about her travels. She had a few things published, much to her delight and the delight of her devoted followers, of which I count myself chief!

That all sounds like quite the full life of a Golden Girl in her eighties, doesn't it? Oh, but Betty wasn't about to rest on her laurels, there was still living to do and opportunities to grab hold of! At the tender age of 86 Betty saw that the editor of her local paper was looking for local bloggers and so she contacted him and started that very day! After many years of writing for her high school paper, PTA, her blog and various other endeavors, Betty was beginning a whole new career as a published blogger for her local newspaper when others her age were sitting in their rockers watching soaps. 

Now you are beginning to get a picture of why Betty is such an inspiration to me! She has truly wrung every ounce out of life. Enjoying the moment. Embracing each season of her life. Loving her family, her friends. Enjoying the brazeness that one can get away with when one reaches a certain age, such as flirting with the cute men that cross one's path. She has fully embraced the "Grand Dameness" of her legendary heroines, all the while carrying herself with the class befitting a woman heralding from the Midwest of "a certain age". 

You thought I was kidding about the flirting, but here she is holding hands with the groom. Oh the things you can get away with when you're Betty!

Did all her dreams come true? No. She never did become best friends with Shirley Temple. She never did get the opportunity to grace the silver screen. I don't believe she ever did hear back from Bryan Cranston. But she DID make the most of what she was given. She did busy herself doing good as women her age are admonished in the Bible to do. She did not become a busybody flitting about. She did make her family and friends very proud of her. She enriches our lives every day with her humor, her wisdom, her bravery, her zest for life! 

Betty and I also shared some things that she might not even be aware of. I also had dreams of becoming an actress and gracing the silver screen, also dreamed of being a writer. We shared a love of some of the same old movies and their stars, of the glamour of the golden days of Hollywood. We laughed about the fact that while she was a country gal who had become a city woman, I was a city gal that had become a country woman. We shared words of encouragement, I think she thought I was encouraging her, but she was encouraging me just as much and teaching me so much as well. 

Our last visit, so far, was at the wedding of a mutual friend, who you will also one day read about here on Tribute Tuesday. We sat together, with my husband, her daughters and some other longtime friends and we laughed and enjoyed ourselves, we held hands, shared hugs, and accompanied each other to the ladies room as we women are known to do, her daughters laughed at us and our mutual admiration, they teased us good naturedly and pretended to be jealous, we all had a grand time celebrating Jim and Peggy and enjoying one another's company, and I will always cherish those memories! As I will cherish our conversations on Facebook. I don't know how much time she has left with us, but I do know that even now she is teaching her loved ones lessons on bravery, on strength, on grace, on facing life no matter what comes your way! 

I do think our table had more fun than any other at the reception and that was mostly because Betty was at the center of it! 

My dear friend has just began a new adventure, her words not mine, as she hadn't been feeling well for awhile and after much testing has just been diagnosed with adenocarcinoma and will begin hospice care today. She is lovingly surrounded by her family and facing this latest "adventure" with her usual courage, strength and grace. Comforting those around her and giving them the strength they don't find within themselves right now. This is my dear friend Betty. Facing that which life gives out and making the most of life. 

My mere words are so sadly inadequate to pay tribute to such an amazing woman who has given me so much through her friendship and just living her life. She never set out to be a hero, she never set out to be my mentor, she simply lived her life in a heroic way and taught me so much in the process! She gave me gifts I can never repay. My love for her is overwhelming and I am brokenhearted at the thought of a day when I will sign in to Facebook and my cherished friend won't be there with new stories or encouragement. But I will try to take a page out of her book and cherish what she gave me. I will forever be grateful for our friendship and the love she freely gave me these past years. 

And I will pursue my writing as I promised her I would. I may never turn a phrase with the style and wit of my dear friend Betty, but I will give it my all. I will strive to put down my fears, my perfectionism and my self doubt, and do my mentor proud. 

I love you, Betty! I believe you know how special you are to me, you are a treasure, and a gem and I can never say thank you enough for making time for me in your life. 

I am forever grateful that you chose to get on that "Pony Express" train 55 years ago to leave Atlantic, Iowa and risk life and limb and the possibility of being taken into captivity, to follow your groom to California, where some 35 years later we would chance to meet. 

I hope to get to spend some more time with you as you are on this journey, but as we never know what tomorrow holds, I just had to say, I love you!! 

Blessings,

Colleen

If you would like to read Betty's blog you can find her original blog here:

http://www.countrygalcitywoman.blogspot.com

and her professional blog at

http://www.arcadiapatch.com

I'm linking to these link ups:

WholeHearted Home

http://judithwholeheartedhome.com/

The Time Warp Wife


A Wise Woman Builds Her Home

http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com/

Kasey at Walking Redeemed